I expect too much.
Out of myself, out of others.
In the end, I just restrict myself/get disappointed.
So silly to raise my hopes just to see it fall.
Fall, fall...
ANYWAY, Nida left today ;(
Sad...
I hope she's safe, and that she DOES return.
She's not just my maid, she's my friend.
And she's the only one who understands.
Right, chow?
I can never repay her for how much she did for chowchow.
I'll just have faith, because everything happens for a reason.
Anyway...
Judge me all you want, because I'm immature.
Because I laugh too loudly.
Smile too much.
Act too rough.
WHATEVER.
And you; the one who doesn't appreciate me, who obviously doesn't care about me, whom I have to make the effort for... I'm done. You don't matter.
So think what you want, see how I'll be the next time we meet.
I won't smile brightly for you anymore.
We just don't fit anyway.

Gonna be stronnnnnnnnggggggggggggger than ever.
Confidence confidence confidence.
Life will be awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I just got to be optimistic.
And I won't care about useless things anymore.
Only things that really matter.
Yay let's go!

Weakling.
I'm so freaking weak.
And sensitive.
And always feeling like a wounded puppy whenever people don't treat me right.
That's why I simply can't make myself have thicker skin.
That's why I developed such stage fright.
I'm weak.
Just... Weak.

I was and am sometimes so selfish a person, it urks me.
But honestly, for real, I'm glad for you ;D
Anyway...
Starting anew, I don't think I did it right.
Or am doing it right anyway.
With my OG, I don't even have any close friends from there.
Or from ACSian.
Or from class yet.
Maybe... I just can't really "be myself" yet.
Maybe... I just overthink things.
I want to be an awesome friend.
But how can I be if the people around me just don't really reciprocate?
Maybe... Perhaps... Probably... I've got to be the one to reach out first.
I just want someone girly yet rough whom I can talk to.
Share my feelings with.
Or my day.
Or if it's a guy, whatever.
Do I really have to MAKE AN EFFORT.
Shouldn't it come naturally?
Oh well.
Whatever, good night.
God bless and happy birthday koko <3
I still miss pipi and chowchow...
And her...
And I DEFINITELY wish I could re-do everything.
I should start on my work soon.
Uh oh.
Slacker for life, seriously.

Today, for real, was the most embarrassing day of my AC life.
PW presentation: TREMBLING HANDS
My stage fright kills.
But... that only goes to show that I'm not truly comfortable with my class yet.
Because if I were, I wouldn't have been like that.
And it probably also has to do we the fact that my confidence is at an all-time low.
Being in a class like mine... I feel so insufficient.
Sigh.
Please bless be with a big boost in my confidence, God.
I'll need it, seeing the CCA I'm in.
But my body has really been really weak today.
I just HATE it when full attention is given to me.
I freak out.
Anyway...
Econs test tomorrow.
I'm so behind in my studies, it's not even funny.
Still, I'm thankful for the nice and fun people in my class.
It's the boys that I'm unfamiliar hence uncomfortable with, even though I try to joke around with them.
They just aren't the "fun" type I wanted in my class.
But at least most of them are quite nice ;D
I just wish I could really truly bond with someone...
Nevertheless, I'm super talkative in class and there's never a time where I feel it's alright to be quiet and emonemo.
Is that good or bad?
Oh well...
Thank you for everything, God <3
I'll make the best of it ;)

I'm so glad nobody knows about this blog.
My secret diary.
Other than some of my closest friends who will get notified when I post something.
Anyway, AC has been super slack so far but starting next week... INSANITY.
I shouldn't give two hoots about people who judge me, but sometimes I know it's really my fault.
Then sometimes, it's really not.
You know the feeling that if someone was keen in befriending you, you just know you'd get along but if that person doesn't seem welcoming, you just continue to appear cool and uninterested?
I think it's completely awkward, such situations, especially if you have to be all reserved, maybe THAT'S why she's not interested.
But who cares?
I don't, really.
Whatever will be, will be.
And I'll have absolutely no social life since I decided to join ACSian theatre, aka social suicide.
I seriously need to start managing my time much better.
I miss pipi and chowchow.
I miss my old friends, especially those in sec one that I drifted from.
But I met up with jade and shanice last saturday ;D
I wish I could express myself better, and not care about what others think of me.
I guess I'm just not that confident.
I'm not that self-assured.
I always seem to find myself speechless, so I have a standard list of questions so I don't have to talk about myself now.
"What school were you from?"
"What CCA were you in?"
"What CCA are you gonna join now?"
"What class are you in?"
"What is your subject combi.?"
You know, small talk. The works.
I realise I really hate talking about myself to strangers, or even my new friends.
Which is so ironic seeing the cause of all that drama last year.
I changed, maybe that's the reason everything happened.
To make me a better, more considerate person.
To become someone who shows care and concern for friends, and to treasure people who are there for me.
I was really so ungrateful last time.
On the bright side, my class is nice ;)
And there's this girl who I'm comfortable with and her texts are so long! I thought mine were, so now I don't feel so long-winded cause mine are so short compared to hers.
Then again sabby's ones are so short... I think I prefer long ones.
Haha whatever, thank you God for everything, I'd be nothing without you <3
Time to catch up with my studies, cause I've been slacking for two weeks worth of lectures.

ACJC orientation 2012 was kinda fun!
As in I liked my OGLs and stuff, all the OGLs were awesome.
My OG started off sooo badly but it got better.
Augustus, hehe.
And avalon was the coolest clan.
And somehow on the 3rd day I became an OG rep with sam, but I don't think I'll do well.
In fact, I still don't fit in with my OG.
I'm just really awkward and can't hold a conversation honestly.
Why are the j1s so awkward?
Awkward+awkward=disaster.
Haha anyway BCME 4 H2s, wish me luck!
Everything being said, though, I kinda miss orientation with Augustus already.

I put my hands up, I'm playing my song and the butterflies fly away~

Nervous for JC.
I miss sec one, I remember being nervous for that too.
Turned out I had nothing to be doubtful of, just thankful for.
I ruined everything we built.
Not the point.
Going to a new school, meeting new people, freaks me out.
Actually, I don't even WANT to be stuck with familiar people from sec 3 and 4...
Except pei xing.
Lol, this is so... Overbearingly honest, it's rude.
Missing the old days, with the PE clique, all shanice's fault for injecting it into my head.
Hehe joking.
Wish we could all be one again and hang like we used to.
Anyway, new starts, new beginnings.
God, please just let me be happy.
And positive.
I love you...PCGPMK.

(I'm glad only 2 of my closest friends still read my blog so I won't be self-conscious... Much. But I'll pretend you guys don't, so don't bring it up hehe.)

Thank you.
I know it was hard for you.
So I appreciate it.
It meant a lot to me but I hope you were sincere.
I'll trust that...
I wish you all the best, you know I'll always remember you.
Thanks for the past, the memories.

Cny is around the corner again.
They all feel similar to me.
A hundred people gathered in 2a, fake laughter, tons of judgment.
Things aren't like it used to be.
I miss gong gong.
I miss chow chow.
I miss pipi.
What happened? God I'll just trust in you.
Stress, gossip, politics and friendly facades.
Seems to be more and more this way these days.
Sigh.

Anyway, shopping with the Shan tomorrow.
Gotta get cny clothes yo.
I wonder when the school posting will be announced...
ACS independent please...

On another note, happy birthday mummy! I love you!!!

Why have I been thinking of you again? Rejection hurts, but I didn't really propose anything, exactly I guess.
A clean break is all you yearn, but if it can't be, why make it? That's only me, you obviously don't feel the same...
I've changed, grown and matured. I guess you'll never see it for yourself. I'm so much... Better now.
Well, nothing can change your mind, huh.