I'm a sentimental girl.
I have a mild personality.
My family, loved ones and god are everything to me.
Friends? Only a very very few matter to me.
My chow chow is still with me. I am very very happy for this.
I'm scared, I'm just a little girl who's scared of loss and change.
I guess everybody is but once they accept it I'm left behind.
I could feel it this year, we were drifting apart, but I had too many things in my mind, what with chow chow and all.
I never confided in you, or let you in anymore.
But to be fair, I never let anyone in.
I just focused in my chow chow, god and myself.
Outside, meaning in school, I was a happy bright perky girl.
That's not really me. It sometimes is, but only when I'm riding on a super high and that's rare.
I was insensitive, and selfish.
I really can't blame you for choosing to do this, because I always knew that you were much more complex than you let on.
So am I.
I tried to let you in in desperation to keep you but I let you into the wrong side of me, the dark side, the side that really is very deep in and not truly what I am, because even though I said that was me, it isn't. I am better than that, and that was a side of me I was slowly overcoming, but I guess it bothers me more this year than before.
Go and be happy, find your peace.
It's not your fault. I have so many sides of me, and yet for the whole of this year, and maybe even the end of last year, I only showed you the fake side. The side that was completely clammed up and pretentious.
Maybe that's why you feel so uncomfortable with me.
You say you find it hard to trust, and that you have nobody who bothers, and very few people who matter to you. And that I'm not one of them.
Well, even though I have so many friends, I have even fewer people that matter. Nobody bothers to know or knows me.
Even my closer friends have never heard from the real me.
And yet the real me is so complex, with so many sides, I don't know why I keep showing you the ugly sides.
You may never read this but please know you're never alone.
I'm ready to open up to you, if you can ever bring yourself to try again. I know somewhere deep inside you do care, even if you say you don't.
I will bother to catch you when you fall, if you ever let me.
And I will be a listening ear to your inner conflicts.
I know how hard it is to not feel good around me and I never meant to shut you out with fake smiles, and forced perkiness.
I just didn't have any opportunity to get closer to you, that's why I kept wanting to spend more time with you, but you must have felt really pressurized.
I will leave you alone from now on, until you decide to let me back into your life, if you ever do.
What we were is not impossible to get back, and I really believe that if we can ever overcome this we will be closer than we ever were.
I know what it's like to bottle up your emotions and be tough all the time. That was me.
And it still is, except now I have learnt to let some people in and I really hope one of them can be you again.
I'm really sorry to have made you felt so damn uncomfortable and guilty.
It's my fault, maybe even more than yours, because even when I wanted to, I never talked to you.
If only you'd talk to me. If only you still cared, if only you would try again.
But god will take away your bitterness, and help you to become a better person.
And I really do understand why you did it, I just feel hurt so I keep saying it's so stupid but with us there's really no in-between.
I just hate that I'm not worth your time and effort. You just gave up.
Well anyway, back to me, I'm gonna focus on my studies and work on being myself.
Being a driven person.
Being a better friend.
Loving all that I have.
Caring for chowchow.
Getting closer to and being more honest towards god.
Yup, so I just wanted you to know these. I understand, really.
That's why i've never blamed you, and I can't be angry.
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